Scandal in Velez Rubio

Hola, Sue:

This is  about events concerning your friend Miguel.  I never understood what you saw in him.  He may have been a suave Latin lover fifty odd years ago,  tho´ I  think his ex-wife might disagree. Of course, he certainly sees himself in the role. The Velez Rubio answer to Antonio Banderas – with a lot less hair and a lot more brandy in him.

   

You know him much better than I do, so you will not have been as astounded as I was at the news concerning Miguel.   If you had told me that my aunt Caroline  was running a brothel from her  house in Buenos Aires , or that my sister held up a local bank and has gone to live off the proceeds in Copacabana, my mouth would not have dropped open, other than to say: "Really?"   But...Miguel!  Who would have thought it?  As it was, I was in the Cabra Loca Bar when I first  heard and my mouth gaped open, as wide as the Channel Tunnel, for a full 10 minutes.  I was having my breakfast brandy and reading the El Mundo for ideas as to what to do next  (win Wimbledon or become a contract killer seemed the best bets).  I was just ordering a second brandy,  which comes in a half-litre glass -  when the local Chief Priest came in.  Usually, when he sees me, he drops to his knees, holds a cross up high and screams "Be gone foul spot!" ( His sister has a dry cleaners in Puerto Lumbreras).  As it was, he sat at my table and ordered a large rum.  "Have you heard, about Miguel?", he asked, in a shaky voice.

In retrospect, I realise there had been some clues.  I hadn´t, for example, seen Paco El Panadero around for a while. He always spent  his waking hours, about 5 a day, in the Crummy Dump Bar. (That´s the one where I was discussing with Luis  whether white paint dries faster than blue when you first accosted us, during your visit to Velez Rubio).  But still, I never would have guessed that Miguel might be involved in such a thing and even you must have been a bit shaken. 

News travels so fast now. I got a call from Sydney  (Australia - not Carton).  It was Gumbel. "What´s this about this guy Miguel?", he asked.  How does news get to Australia faster than the speed of light?  I think it may have something to do with spinach, confirming the Joyce Vegetable Paradox.  Anyway, Gumbel´s coming on a visit, which is not good news for Velez Rubio, but he wants to offer Miguel a job with the Gumbel Corporation.

Because of your close relationship with Miguel, you are obviously a prime suspect as an accomplice.  I was hauled into police HQ., the mock-baroque building with the screams coming from the cellars below and the stream of blood down the front steps, to be questioned about you. "Never heard of her!" I told them. Then, a little later: I don´t know her".   As I was leaving, four hours later, I said:  "Anyway, she´s in Brazil. In Manaos, running an engineering business she bought."  I think I made a mistake somewhere, as I noticed a puzzled look in their eyes.

Please tell me immediately about any further news you get on the Miguel matter.  I hope things are going well with you and Manaos is not too hot.

Luv,

Roberto

Velez Rubio in January

Hola, Sue:

Lovely day in Spain. Well, Velez Rubio, at any rate.  I went “up-market” for lunch,  with Guillermo. We went to the Zurich and he had a good time practicing his English.  It left me exhausted and I think, maybe, he was a little frazzled at the end.  “Come on, Guillermo! How do you say “this paella´s over-cooked”, in English?  I´ve already told you sixteen times!”  He got a little sulky at that point, so I asked him a seventeenth time.  Why are all the Spanish learning English? If they´re under 40, 

shouldn´t they be realistic and go for Chinese?  The paella, incidentally, was fine – particularly as part of a € 10 meal.  Only the canned fruit at the end was a disappointment. Surely the country that would have invented the orange had not China beaten them to it can do better than fruit out of a can?
  
I think it important to tell you that Winifred called round, to ask about DigMar, your dog from Krypton.  You remember Winifred?  Large head, out of proportion to the rest of her body, black hair and a pink plastic rose attached to the top of her head?  She had an affair with Miguel and is rumoured to have her own lamp-post in the Velez Rubio red-light district.  She lives with Ramon, an out-of-work astronaut, in one of the shacks behind the petrol station.  I told her that, as far as I know, DigMar is adapting well to life in Dijon, among the Frogs.  He is thinking of changing his name to "Marcel" and taking out French Poodle papers.  A quantum tear trickled out of her left eye, down both sides of her muzzle, and met up again at the tip of her nose.  I never could understand DigMar´s obsession with her. I think a Rottweiller with a pink plastic rose taped to her head is just plain silly and not at all suitable for a dog with gravitas.

Got to rush  -  the Bishop of Bogota is waiting for me the Crummy Dump Bar.